Quick note...

I've noticed that there's a few US-2s and Mission Interns who have this blog linked. While I would LOVE it if you read this blog too, (it's more ramblings and musings than what's actually going on with me/NOLA/Hagar's House,) this is the blog I would like you to link on your websites:

Wandering Mouse

I'm following you guys on this blog, since that's where I already have my followers set up, but I'll be posting things about my work and life in NOLA on the other blog. I'll also put your links up on there too!!!

Much love, and I hope all your work is going fabulously.

Leaving...on a jet plane!

I have been waiting for this for a long. Freaking. Time.

So now that I've done it, it seemed OK. I mean, of course I cried and I was sad, but that's not a bad thing. It's a love thing. You can cry and miss people without it being horrible. Saying goodbye to my family and everyone at church was like that. I'm most sad about the people I didn't get to see, (Mike, Adam, HannaH...) but I feel like I got a nice chance to say farewell to everyone else.

Today, I flew into NYC. I'm basically a pro at this flying thing. Whenever we flew into LGA I was thinking, "Why is this so familiar?" Then I remembered it was my fourth time to NYC this year, which was a tad mind-boggling.

Also, I'm re-naming this blog and creating a new blog! The other one will be for my US-2-ocity, and this one will be more personal ramblings. (Not that anyone will read either...but it's nice to pretend, right?)

My NOLA blog is: amandameetsnola.blogspot.com . It currently has the very poetic blog title: "Blahblahblah." My brain is fried and I haven't come up with a title yet, OK? Patience is a virtue.

For all US-2s

In honor of all my fellow US-2s, mission interns, missionaries, preachers, and other people in service to the Lord (or whatever...)



And I see Danielle tomorrow! YAAAY!

Have a great weekend!

And now you're back! From outer space!

OK, so I didn't go to outer space. (But I did go to Utah. Close enough.)

I'm now going through the pretty significant realization that I'm moving in 14 days. And it's far enough that I can't really pack yet, because the stuff I'm going to pack is stuff I'm going to need until then, but I don't want to pack while Dani's here, but I don't have much choice.

Conundrum.

Also it's very hard to try and figure out who I'm going to see before I leave. Two weeks looks a lot shorter after vacation.

I talked to John on the phone last night and I realized how desperately I'm going to miss him. And Connie sends me all these bumper stickers on Facebook about stargazing. It's been so long since I've seen her, and I miss her so much! (Plus I know it's going to be too hazy in NOLA to do much stargazing. That and the highest point in Louisiana is Driskill Mountain: elevation 535 feet.)

I'm really not complaining. I'm excited about going to NOLA, THRILLED about the work at Hagar's House, and really looking forward to meeting people down there.

It's just hard to get there.

At some point in the future there will be a rambling vacation post for the 2 people interested!

MOAR Fantastic Books!

First and foremost, BREAK by Hannah Moskowitz is officially out! I wrote a quick review of it on Amazon:

Jonah is on a mission to break all his bones. There, you've got the plot of the book.

Not so fast. Because a person's life isn't isolated. Jonah spends most of his time (when he's not intentionally falling off skateboards) trying to save his younger brother from dying from food allergies. His best friend is egging him on to keep breaking bones, while his brother is having reactions all over the place and begging him to stop. His parents are clueless and trying to take care of a baby who won't stop crying.

Everything going on in Jonah's life pushes him to keep going. The reason for his actions make sense, in a way. When you're reading this book, you ARE Jonah. You are completely in his head, and while the leaps in logic seem crazy to the outside world, when you're Jonah, it all ties together. And as a reader, I was dragged into his thoughts and emotions.

Moskowitz has written a fantastic debut novel. Jonah's voice stays present through the whole book and doesn't lose much steam in the middle, the way many first-person novels do. I would recommend this book to anyone (as long aren't a pansy when it comes to blood and pain.)

Sound intriguing? Go buy it!

Also, I'm a little slow and just read HUNGER GAMES by Suzanne Collins. WOW. I devoured this book. It's one of the best books I've read in a long time, and gave me that warm fuzzy post-amazing-book feeling. I ordered CATCHING FIRE, the next book in the series from Amazon, but it won't be here until I'm already gone! Alas.

I also just read GODLESS by Pete Hautman. I wasn't as impressed by it, but a lot of that might be because I read it so close to the awesomeness of the first two books. I thought it was still a pretty decent book, but I wasn't blown away by it.

Next up? Not sure. THE THIEF LORD, maybe.

Crack of the Week

In case you haven't picked up on this particular quirk (i.e. neurosis) in my personality, there's something you should know.

I have a bit of an addictive personality. Which is pretty awesome when I get addicted to something productive like, I don't know, PRACTICING, but is less exciting when it's something like Monopoly.

Currently, I'm back on an anime kick. (Note: Windows does not believe "anime" is a word. Screw 'em.) So I've watched absurd amounts of Fullmetal Alchemist in the past few days. (Windows doesn't believe in "Fullmetal," either. WHY DO YOU HATE JAPAN, BILL GATES?)

So if I've been a terrible/distracted/annoying friend over the past few days, that's probably why.

You know, my blog is still called "Music Major Madness." While the madness still almost certainly applies, I'm not a music major anymore. I don't write about writing much, so it would be stupid to name the blog for that. Hm...name change is probably on the horizon.

(Note: Dani sent me a copy of FRAGILE ETERNITY, and she totally rocks my socks for that. Even if the end did make me a little aggravated. Cer la vie.)

Shh! Jesus is watching!!!

Scene: we're walking through the church parking lot this morning.

Mom: Holy shit, it's hot.

Me: You can't say shit here! Jesus can hear you better!

Mom: Well, I said holy...

A real post will come soon. Eventually.

It's official!!!

I will be moving to New Orleans in October!!! I'll be working at Hagar's House, a center for single women in crisis.

I'll be living in the church nearby, with several other people who work there (mostly young adults, methinks.) I know some of them will be Americorps volunteers, which means that not only will I be living in !freakingNewOrleans! I'll be living with people from all over the country and with different faith backgrounds.

Heck. Freaking. Yes.

Right now, the schedule that I know so far: Our training, which will be in upstate NY, will start September 23rd (ish.) We'll be commissioned and fly to our placement sites on October 13th (ish.)

DID I MENTION I'M EXCITED?!?!?!?!?!?

Hmmm...

As some of you might guess, I'm stressing a bit about the placement thing. Because that's kind of my thing.

Well, about a week ago, I had a dream while I was at Dad's. I dreamed that I had gotten placed somewhere in New Orleans. And when I woke up, even once I realized it was a dream, I felt better. Not because I thought I knew anything from it, but because my subconsious brain saw that I would still go somewhere that was a good fit, even though right now it was stressful.

I'm not going to say anymore right now, so don't ask me, but more information will be coming soon.

Patience Blows

*headdesk*

So, I'm supposed to hear about where I'm going to be placed sometime this week. Apparently, they've been waiting on the placement sites to respond, and they haven't.

I am SO TIRED of this helpless waiting to hear where I'm going to be. And I'm frustrated because it's not like it's unavoidable stuff. I've just committed the next two years of my life to this--I don't think it's unreasonable to be antsy about where I'm going.

Watch my ass get placed at a Wesley Foundation in Iowa.

Edit: We interrupt this rant to be...um...non-ranty. More information to come as stuff is confirmed.

Birmingham and Books!

I'm currently in Day 2 of the Great Birmingham Adventure (so far, no need for law enforcement...)

So far, hanging out with dad has been fantastic as usual. Since he still has to do silly things like "get a paycheck" and "go to work," I've had most of my days free. So, because I am lame, I have spent approximately 12 of the past 48 hours in bookstores and Starbuckses. (Starbucki?)

I've written a bit, but mostly I've read a couple great books. The first was AUDREY, WAIT! This book was a riot. It's basically about a girl whose ex-boyfriend writes and angry song about their breakup, which turns out to be amazing. The band becomes huge, and Audrey's life gets a little crazy.

The voicing reminds me a lot of Suzanne Young (who, to date, is the only author to actually make me snort Pepsi up my nose while reading.) The beginning was awesome, and while the voicing got a little flat towards the middle/end, it came back at the very end. It was great fun, and also made me decide that I need to go to more live shows.

The book I read today was IF I STAY, which was on the other end of the YA spectrum. This is the story of a girl's decision to keep on living or go on to die after her parents and younger brother die in a car accident and she is suspended between life and death in the ICU.

It's weird--I didn't think the book was that good, but it still made me cry at three separate times. (Also, if you're going to have your main character be a Julliard-bound classical cellist, you should probably not misspell Haydn. Just a thought.) But I liked several aspects of this book--Mia's parents were fantastic, and I ended up really wanting to know where the story was going.

Now I'm out of book again, so I'll have to work on that over the next few days. But more importantly, we're going RAFTING!!!

Dreams

In last night's dream...

Dani and I were in jail in Australia,

Granny and Gepop moved to the Philippines where rats could walk on the ocean,

We were all nervous because we'd just found out that a US-2 had gotten placed at an auto-body shop in Michigan,

And somehow there was Magnolia Bakery.

Fun little thing

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will post the answers to the questions (and the questions themselves) on your blog or journal.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. And thus the endless cycle of the meme goes on and on and on and on...

Nabbed this one from Dani's LJ. It's 2 AM, so I think there should be some leeway on whatever I write...

1) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?

I really don't know. Mostly because a) the whole appearance debate really sticks in my craw as a feminist and I feel like I shouldn't WANT to change anything about my appearance, and b) I pretty much hate the way I look anyway. But probably my hair--I wish it were something more controllable with less effort.

2) What is your favorite memory from last summer?

Ireland, Ireland, Ireland. Last summer was really amazing in so many ways, but Ireland was absolutely the most fantastic time of my life. There is no way to possibly describe the experience of sitting in a room with talented, golden-hearted people quietly singing songs for each other and for the songs themselves. To live suspended out time, just for a moment, and live in music...I've never experienced it to that degree anywhere else.

3) If someone handed you a 12-hole, wooden, tenor Ocarina in C that hadn't been played in 20 years, what would you do?

I would probably play the theme from Zelda. Because it's an ocrarina. And you knew this, you just wanted to be sure. :)

4) Name a profession you would totally love to try but are completely unqualified for (astronaut? pirate? superhero?). What about this profession appeals to you? ---I stole this from Erin because it's such a good question.

Even though it was suggested, I totes would take superhero. I mean, I really feel like I was destined to have superpowers of some sort anyway. I'm just not quite sure what the hold up is. It appeals to me for several reasons.

1) I'd be a freaking superhero. I could save ANYBODY.

2) I'd be a total BAMF.

3) I really would feel like a much more complete person if I could topple an evil regime of some sort (I'mlookingatyouKingpin.)

5) What is your favorite quote from a book and why?

There's a poem quoted in Derek Jensen's Walking on Water. I think I might actually be cheating around the requirements, but I'm doing it anyway.

You wouldn't think
It would be so easy
To forget
Who we really are
Or that death is always at our shoulder
Or that everything is alive
Or that God is everywhere singing

I think this is the most beautiful poem ever. Truly, in our lives, we do forget. We forget the beauty of the world around us, the quiet whisper of God, the finite nature of our lives. We get wrapped up on what we have to do that we forget who we are. This poem re-grounds me, renews me, reminds me to look for truth and not "forget."

Because it is so easy, and we always have to fight it--to find our center, find our light. To find God in the chaos and the loudness. Even in the noise, there is singing. And when we lose it, lose our place in the song, we lose ourselves.

So keep hearing the song, ladies and gentlemen, and never forget.

Well, crap.

The summer job thing is not working out quite like I'd hoped. I actually just got a big "JK!" from the place I really thought I would be working, so that is unfortunate.

SO...I'm back to haunting businesses with the very convincing sales pitch of, "No, I'm not willing to work weekends...but I have a bachelor's degree in Music Education! I graduated Magna cum Laude!"

Oddly enough, Taco Bell does not care.

That's a lie, I haven't applied at Taco Bell yet.

But it's only a matter of time.

Boo, productivity.

Concert and Suspension

Life, for me, is still a paralyzed thing. I'm waiting to hear back about a summer job. I'm waiting to have some clue about when the US-2 training will be.

But, in the waiting, there are moments of sheer awesome.

I.E. today I drove down to Burlington to visit a friend I haven't seen in over a year and go to a Decemberists concert. It was fantastic. Spending time with Amanda was great--she's one of those people who when you're around her you just remember that there are beautiful things and people in the world. I also got to hang out with Erin, who I knew only vaguely from my few times at the Wesley Foundation, and meet a few other people who all seemed really cool as well.

The concert: it was great, but a little disappointing. For the first hour/hour and a half, they played THE HAZARDS OF LOVE. The whole album. In its entirety.

That is a LOT of the same kind of thing over and over. And what I love about the Decemberists is their subtlety, the tounge-in-cheek folk tales and clever lyrics.

The subtlety of THoL was basically getting slammed in the temple with a hammer as someone yells,"I'm artistic! I'm different! I'm artistic!"

YES! We know! We're all very impressed with your artsy-ness, complete with a woman who seems to think she has angel wings trying to fly onstage.

I just want to hear the Mariner's Revenge, dammit.

The second half of the concert was spectacular--it was great fun, even if the only real "old" song they played was "Eli the Barrow Boy," which I love. There just wasn't enough of it.

But I still LOVE the Decemberists, and I can't wait to go to a show where they're not pushing an album so hard.

FOUR MONTHS?

The "dangit I didn't get Mission Intern" has mostly worn off, mostly between the hours of 1-2 AM when I couldn't get to sleep because I was so excited. Well, I was also excited about heading up to Delaware to visit some of Shirley's friends today, but mostly about US-2.

And, AGAIN, I have been paralyzed, because there really isn't anything for me to do right now. (Crap.) Which leads us back to Shirley's constant declarations of, "You need a job."

Boo, job. I am thoroughly not interested, because pretty much the only job I would be able to get is probably total shit. And I am NOT going back to work for the city.

I should probably address that large question that has been popping up everywhere: What the crap is a US-2?

So now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Or not.

So now that the initial disappointment has worn off, I'm pretty stoked.

I know that I have somewhere to be in fall. My cell phone will work. I won't have to get shots. I'll still get the mission experience, and I'm only 22. I still have loads of time left to live in other parts of the world, and one opportunity begets others.

So this will be a very good experience, and I know that where I'm going is exactly where God wants me to be.

(Although, if one more person tells me, "I'm glad you won't be out of the country," I might punch them in the sternum.)

And it's a Bittersweet Symphony this life...

Bitter: John and I got hopelessly lost in the dark on the way home from the beach.

Sweet: We got to get dinner with Lauren before we left.

Bitter: It was cloudy and cold almost the whole time there.

Sweet: It was sunny the very last day.

Bitter: Huge parts of me are sunburned.

Sweet: I have a permanent imprint of John's hand on my shoulder, because he cannot apply sunscreen.

Bitter: I did not get a Mission Intern position.

Sweet: I DID get a US-2 position.

So...I don't know how to feel right now.

OPA!

I am having one of those ridiculously great weekends where everything I'm doing is beyond cool.

Friday: John came down and we went with Mom and Shirley to the Greek Festival! It was awesome. I love festivals! I think all our lives would be better if we had more festivals. I believe this. There were great dancers and music, and I got a jingly belt. Why? BECAUSE I CAN and it makes me smile.

Saturday: Met at West Stokes, then headed down with the choir to Carowinds. I haven't been there in a few years, and it was a LOT more fun than I remember it being. True, we didn't do so well at the start. The Hurler was broken, then Top Gun (aka "AFTERBURN!") was closed for thunder, then Spongebob closed (we were pretty devastated by that...) and finally Thunder Road wasn't cooperating either. But towards the end of the day everything started working and we got a chance to ride almost everything! The new coaster, Carolina Cobra, was a lot better than the Carowinds standard. Maybe now that it's owned by the Ceader Point people, we'll get some good coasters in there!

John picked me up from Carowinds and we proceeded to drive down to Myrtle Beach, spending the entire trip scanning rap stations for the "I'm on a Boat" song and dancing like the 100% caucasian individuals we are.

Sunday: We've gotten to hang out with LAUREN! which is great fun. John and I have played in the Very Cold Atlantic Ocean, and I am slightly less tranlucent than I was yesterday. Since it's my first time at Myrtle Beach, we went down to Broadway at the Beach.

And holy crap this looks amazing. However, John and Lauren are Way Cooler Than I Am, and refused to go buy a wand to solve the puzzles and follow ancient runes. Whatever. Lameasses.

The new Star Trek movie freaking rocks. I think the best part was the middle of the movie, when John and Lauren on either side of me both went, "Holy crap! What's going on?"

Hooray, time-bending mind warp.

I hope everyone else's weekend is going as fantabulously as mine!

Maybe I should contemplate.

Yesterday was my last official day of student teaching.

(I'm still here, of course, because the concert is Tuesday, but I don't have to be here anymore. And that makes all the difference.)

It seems like the official end of my undergraduate education should have some level of contemplation attached, but I'm not feeling terribly pensive. I graduate Sunday, but I really don't care all that much. Everyone's acting like it's such a big deal that I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude, but I feel stupid for it because I slacked a lot sometimes and easily could have been Summa Cum Laude. Everyone acts like this is a major accomplishment, but it isn't, because I've been slated to graduate from college since I was six.

It's not any great accomplishment. It's just a stepping stone, a hoop I had to jump through before I could have any real impact on the world. It's not worth recognizing. It was a completely selfish endeavor--I was too preoccupied with the things I had to do to do anything worthwhile.

The reason I graduated can be basically broken down into things that have nothing whatsoever to do with anything I've done.

1) I'm white, and an American citizen.

2) I have been given immense cultural capital by my family, enabling me to navigate the world and find funds, even when we didn't have any.

3) I have an above-average brain, meaning I can understand and accomplish things without a lot of work.

4) I have been given endless love and support.

5) "Coincidences" in my life, bringing me close to Shirley and trumpet and those around me.

How can we be arrogant? There is nothing in me that is because of me. Everything I am, everything I've done, is because of God. Anything good in me is God's. All the talent, the coincidences, the people who love me...I had as much say in that as I do in tomorrow's weather.

So people congratulate me, and I'm not sure what to say, because none of it's me. Yes, I'm graduating. Yes, I'm glad.

But I'm not proud. I haven't done anything to be proud of.

Technlology Portfolio and other Wastes of My Time

I think certain people in the School of Music and College of Ed have a game. Their game is to avoid and ignore student's phone calls for as long as possible, as well as not returning any messages. Then, once they have you good and freaked out because you're supposed to graduate SUNDAY and NO ONE HAS CHECKED YOUR TECHNOLOGY PORTFOLIO, they cackle and sit back on their thrones of shattered dreams.

So I'm so glad I put this thing together. Because really, I can tell how significant it is by how quickly they're responding to my inquiries.

On the upside, I'll be done with ASU FOREVER after this Sunday.

If someone signs my Technology Portfolio.

E as in Emotional Warfare!

The Scene: Middle School Band Rehearsal.

Band Director: OK, we're going to start back at E.

Flute player: D or E?

Band Director: E as in...elephant...Edward. E as in Edward!

Half the class, mostly those with longer hair holding woodwinds: Yes! Edward!

The other half of the class, mostly those with short hair: NOOOO!!!

Band Director: Confused face.

One Oblivious Trumpet Player: What's wrong with Edward?

Percussionist: He steals our girlfriends!!!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

The Scene: Amanda is in the McDonald's bathroom stall. Small child and mother come into the bathroom. Small child knocks on stall door.

Amanda: Someone's already in here.

Child: (pauses.) You're already in there?

Amanda: Yes, I'm already in here.

Child: (whispering to her mother) There's already someone in there!

Mother: Right. Let's not bother her.

Child: I wanna see what her face looks like!

Mother: You don't need to see what her face looks like, sweetie.

Child: But...but I think...(pauses, deep in thought.) I think she looks like...like...Spongebob.

Guess my voice was sounding exceptionally square and porous yesterday...

ARRRGGGGHHH, Appalachian!

I have had my transcripts for my transfer work turned in for ages. However, ASU is mildly inept (and when I say "mildly" I mean, "spinning in circles and watching shiny things while flinging poop at the wall.)

So I now am one Western Civilizations II course away from graduating because the transcript I sent ASU has been eaten by the Records Office Termites. And for the record, ASU sent acknowledgment back to DCCC, saying they had received it.

If they don't let me graduate because the Registrar's office is the place where dreams die, I might cut off someone's ear. Or write angry letters. One of the two.

Weekend

I wanted to come up with a much more clever title for this blog, but oh well. This past weekend was the interview and discernment weekend for the Mission Intern program.

I really don't know how to describe it.

It was phenomenally amazing and humbling to be around so many incredible women. Literally all ten (eleven counting Suzanne) were people I would love to just sit and talk with for days on end. I felt like I got very close to many of them, but I would have celebrated more time with each of them.

I've never been in a situation where I was complete strangers with people on Friday, sharing experiences and opinions and discussing discernment and God's presence Saturday, then having frank conversations about complete and vulnerable life stories and the communion within on Sunday. It was a place that felt like total safety, where we all shared our raw pieces and understood that each of us was a child of God and deserved to be loved and guarded.

Well, it was great and fantastically noncompetitive. We won't hear anything back for several weeks, so now it's back to my favorite Waiting Game. Yay.

I admit defeat.

My iPod is dead.

I am no longer attempting to restore it--I acknowledge its whole-hearted, grinding-hard-drive sad-icon deadness.

So I am writing sad letters to Apple to try and get my purchased music redownloaded. Failing that, I will say farewell to legality and rip it from everyone I know.

In other news, I am currently packing (or not really packing yet, but emotionally preparing to pack) for the Far Away Country of New York. And I'm trying very hard not to get as freaked out about this as I want to.

Just breathe, Amanda...

Domestic Goddess!

I am now consistently capable of cooking:

Scrambled eggs (with cheese!)
Grilled cheese
Alfredo Sauce
Pasta
Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding

Without aid of any box-type thing. It seems like a small list, but you know what? It's a process!

Also, this weekend I cleaned my room, did the dishes, vacuumed, and did laundry.

Watch out, world.

Domestic Goddess is about to strike.

Days that kind of suck...

Yesterday did not enrich my life. Yesterday did not make me feel like a more complete and beautiful member of the human race.

1) My iPod died. OK, this actually happened over the weekend, but its effects were definitely still felt, especially since....

2) I had to go to Boone yesterday. This in itself does not suck, except that...

3) My rear window would not roll all the way up, making a whistling noise and making me hate my car further, added to...

4) I got a speeding ticket in Wilkesboro. Now, he said he clocked me at over 70 miles an hour in a 55. I think that's a little hard to believe, since I had my cruise control set at 62. Either way, he was in an unmarked blue Mustang. I'm pretty sure that's cheating. But to top it all off...

5) It was snowing in Boone. The one day I go up there in APRIL, it snows. Yeah.

But most else in life is going very well, and nothing's really bothering me all that much. It is amusing to see it all piled up together.

All the above is tempered by student teaching going well, getting back together with Derek and being happy, and occasionally sunny days down in good ole' Winston-Salem. And, of course, TWO DAYS UNTIL SPRING BREAK!!!

Happy Birthday...um...maybe not.

Derek and I broke up yesterday. So that was pretty much suck, especially since it was my birthday. But now we're very amicable, and talking more than we actually were last week. Which makes me wonder what the hell happened anyway.

HannaH has a theory that he was trying to be enough of a jerk to where I would break up with him. I think this is highly possible, whether he's aware of it or not. Still, ending things when everything is so friendly makes me feel weird. I mean, I'm not really upset, but at the same time, it's a change and there should be some emotion attached, even if I'm not sure what it should be yet.

Earlier today I was elated--I felt fantastic and free and absolutely in love with the world. That's fading now, though. I'm not exactly upset, but I'm not thrilled, either. Maybe it's just because it's dark. I guess it's another process--sorting out how our relationship works and how I should feel about it. We'll see.

In other news, I got myself Reviving Ophelia for my birthday. I'm about halfway through it and it's absolutely amazing. I'll post a little more on it after I finish, but I just wanted to remind the world how lame I am--I got myself a psychological social commentary for my birthday. Alas.

Wow.

OK, so I have been waiting on pins and needles to hear from the General Board of Global Ministries about this mission intern thing and hadn't heard anything. I was starting to feel a little stressed about this, so I finally e-mailed someone.

I got a response back less than two hours. Apparently, Yahoo, For My Safety, thinks the United Methodist Church is Dangerous Spam. So my lovely e-mail that says, "Hey, come for an interview to work for Jesus in April!" got sucked up in the same junk folder as my last chance to buy a timeshare.

Fantastic! Amazing! I literally started jumping up and down. Happily, no one was home to see me fall on my knees and scream thankyouthankyouthankyou to God, but even if they were I wouldn't have cared. Now the fun part--the last day I would have been able to schedule a plane ticket?

Tomorrow.

Wow.

In short, I'm very glad God poked on me today to e-mail them. But still...couldn't He have shaved at least a week or two off ulcer-inducing stress? Sigh.

Either way...one step down!

Shut-Up, Brain!

Unfortunate new development:

Whenever I lay down to go to sleep, my brain starts lesson planning.

"No! Change your thoughts...you're on a beach, listening to Enya..."

"Ooh, I can teach 5/8 by having them say 'I love Taco Bell!' in rhythm!"

"NO! Enya...think about Enya..."

Sleepfail.

When Brothers Scan Bookshelves

Chris happened to be around visiting earlier this week, which was nice. However, while he was there, he was looking at my bookshelf.

"You read Vonnegut?"

"Um...yeah..."

"Wow, I wouldn't have figured. Steinbeck and 1984, too! Have you actually read these?"

"You sound so surprised."

"I thought you just read fantasy. I didn't realize you read actual literature."

This is the part where Amanda started twitching uncontrollably. Fantasy is not irrelevant. It can tell us every bit as much about human relationships and conditions as the grittiest realistic fiction there is. It creates new connections in our minds as we learn the rules and standards in each new world, learning a language to connect with it. It gives us another way to view the world and another opportunity to understand it.

In other news, it's dumping snow, and school has been canceled for tomorrow. This would be cool, if we didn't have a concert Tuesday after missing class Friday.

Alas.

Feminism v. Twilight

Let me preface this by saying that I really enjoyed reading Twilight. It’s fantastic mind candy. I gobbled it up in like three days. Recently, I read an interesting article that brought up some points I think are worth thinking about. Even though I liked it, there’s some parts of it that you have to wonder about.

Point 1: Edward can seriously be a jerk.

A lot of girls are completely in love with Edward, but a real-life guy who told you you couldn’t go visit your best friend would not be OK. Furthermore, who wants to be told what kind of car they’re going to drive? Yeah, Edward seems oh-so-sweet and attentive to Bella’s needs, but there’s serious problems with the way he commands her. Which leads us up to point number two…

Point 2: Edward controls the sex.

The problem here isn’t their abstinence, by any means, it’s that every decision is Edward’s. When Bella will become a vampire, when they’ll make love…these are decisions that are exceedingly pivotal in Bella’s life, but somehow her decisions are less important than his. We don’t need another example of sex being used for control, from either gender. But here sex and the Big Fat Scary Sex Metaphor (that’s Bella being bitten, for those unsure,) are both used by Edward to create “conditions” for Bella to meet.

Point 3: Edward and Bella have a profoundly unhealthy relationship.

No duh, you’re probably thinking. But the thing about it is, so many teenage girls are reading this and are really jumping on this idea of what love looks like. I think that’s a pretty serious problem. Love isn’t when you completely lose your identity for someone. I’ve been in love. Twice. At no point in those 4+ years would I call myself “nothing” without them. When Edward leaves, Bella is completely non-functioning for months, risking death just to hear the hallucination of his voice.

None of this is probably new thinking to many people, but here’s the thing. I (and several of my friends) read the series up in a couple days. We could get swept up in it and enjoy it, but it didn’t stop us from being the hardcore awesome feminists that we are. (Hooray.) But is it affecting the way teenage girls see themselves and their role in relationships?

I know not many people read this, but to the few that do, I’d really like to hear your opinion. Is it a problem for teenage girls to get into a novel with such a weak female protagonist whose whole life is controlled, or should we just be glad they’re reading at all? Do you think girls’ infatuation towards Edward makes them more likely to gravitate towards dominating, possibly abusive boys? Or do you think what I’m saying is way off base?

I QUIT! Wait...this could be OK...

So my cooperating teacher wasn't here again today, which was going to be just fine. I've done lessons by myself before, so today was kinda going to be pretty standard. First, with the Symphonic Band. We worked in full rehearsal for a little while, then split them up into sectionals.

(At this point, I should probably comment that we had a two-hour delay this morning due to a boiler malfunction, so they were already a little crazy. And in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have split them into sectionals. Whatever.)

They kind of lost their minds.

Every sectional I went around to, they weren't doing anything. With the exceptions of the trumpets and the percussion (has anyone noticed that crazy irony?) everyone was carrying on, not doing what they were supposed to.

As I'm going around, I go into the office, where the saxophones, trombones, and bass clarinets were.

They had the TV on.

I was so mad I couldn't even speak. The kids just sort of stared at me for a second, like they couldn't believe they'd just been caught and wanted to know what happened now. I was working very, very hard to keep from collassaly erupting.

"Go back into the band room."

That's all I said to them. I went around to all the other sections, calling them back into the band room. Then I plugged my metronome into the speakers.

"Allegro to the end."

They played it, and, predictably, screwed it up.

When they got through, they sat there, dead silent.

"No one played that perfectly. No one in here. Everyone messed up some note or rhythm, everyone got off on the tempo. So why were you not working on that in your sectionals?"

(Miraculously, no smart-ass called my bluff on the rhetorical question. Hooray.)

We started over again, and the fact that I was basically restraining myself from completely losing it went away as I worked with them on a few individual notes and rhythms. I ended it with something along the lines of, "I really like all of you and you've done hard work, but I can't not be mad when I walk into a sectional and everyone's talking. I can't not be mad when someone has the TV on." I told them that they had come along way, but they had to continue it to get any better and all that jazz.

Directly after that (with no break, because when we have a delay it's one right after the other,) Wind Ensemble starts coming in. I tell them straight-up that second period was very exhausting, and asked them to work hard because my nerves were completly frayed. I told them if I snapped at them and it seemed off, it was just because my temper was short after this morning. So we warmed up and they went immediately into sections.

They were fantastic. They (almost all) worked hard the whole time they were in sectionals. They seemed to get thing accomplished. And when we pulled them back together to play through the slow part in The Hounds of Spring, it was gorgeous. I've never heard them play it that well, and it was wonderful. Then the few things we fixed in the development part were quick fixes, and they adjusted fast and well.

So I discovered that it's possible to go from my-eyeballs-are-going-to-explode contained fury to complete contentment in less than an hour. Yay, band.

Ireland, Time Travel and Obama...

Last night I dreamed I would regularly go through this window-type thing (think: Subtle Knife) and it would take me to a place in Ireland about fifty years ago.

(Pauses for processing.)

Well, I was talking to Derrick James on the phone while I was in Ireland (which, incidentally enough, is a non-existent spot that has shown up in other dreams) when I suddenly realized how freakishly high the rates would be. So I ran back to the window only to find that someone had closed it up.

I have no idea exactly how all this tied together, but somehow the person who closed up the secret window did so to trap me and others in Ireland to do nothing but play video games all day. There was some devilish plot afoot to ruin our world and keep us from stopping whatever this person was doing by dulling us down and having us play all day.

For some strange reason, Obama was also there. I was trying to explain to some Irish girl how Obama was really one of the greatest world leader of our time. Her general attitude was that our world must completely suck.

You could kind of see her point, since Obama just played DDR all the time.

Finally I started to realize that maybe it was a little bizzare how we had all the games ever made, but we were fifty years in the past. I think somehow we were trying to find our way back, but I woke up before then.

...

Doesn't my brain frighten you?

Full of Win

Yesterday Mr. Bennett wasn't feeling to great, so he went home and left me to run the low brass sectional. There was one hella hard part (and when I say "hella hard" I mean "slightly tricky for a young Symphonic Band") that they were struggling with.

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I finally wrote a measure of straight eighth notes on the board. "Clap this."

They do. I took away one eighth note, writing in a rest.

"OK, now clap this."

They do, actually (gasp!) with the exact right space between the rest! I repeated this process of removing eighth notes until the rhythm they're fighting with was on the board.

"OK, now the way you think about this is that you still feel the notes you aren't clapping. You keep the beat the exact same way you do when you're playing, you're just doing it silently."

Lightbulbs! It was fantastic! Then, not only did they play that rhythm correctly, they played ll the others rhythms they were messing up right!

I could have danced. I think I did dance, actually.

But I am le tired...

Dear College of Ed,

While I appreciate what you are trying to do with this "daily and weekly reflection" thing, and I should muse on the things I did correctly and poorly this week, and I'm supposed to write a couple paragraphs about the differences between classroom management and discipline according to the Gospel of Harry Wong, I can't freaking do it right now. I understand that it's supposed to be an important part of the process, but the only reflection I want to see right now is the inside of my eyelids. Which isn't even a reflection.

I just taught two full classes of over fifty kids for over an hour each, and I am seriously considering torching my shoes. So I say this with all the love in the world: shut the hell up.

Love, Amanda.

Student Teaching!

I have begun student teaching at West Stokes High School, NC. Even though the drive is every bit as miserable as I thought it would be (about 45 minutes each way) it's been a fantastic experience so far. I don't feel like I'm quite as ill-prepared as everyone said I'd be ("You don't learn anything until you student teach!") but I don't feel like I'm rocking it out, either. I feel overwhelmingly average, which pretty much blows.

I'm trying very hard not to think about my mission intern application, which is in the far-away land called New York and completely out of my control.

What's so special about 2008?

This was a pretty major year for me. But then again, at this stage of life, what year isn't major? We're in pretty formative times, you know.

Instead of trying to recap, I'm just going to put in some random journal quotes. They're basically chronological, and it was more fun than re-musing.

Fun quotes from Amanda's journal in 2008:

"I don't think I'm going to talk very much. I say that, but I lack a natural "shut-the-hell-up" gene."

About a dream: "I got to the end and he was there, and my double, the one who put me up to all this, maybe me and maybe not, stayed behind. And I knew that I was going to die, leave the real one behind. And I didn't speak, but I made him promise to never tell. And he didn't speak, but I knew he wouldn't. And I suddenly realized what made him look so serious--he was the one who knew, who always knew, would never speak, just carry it."

"I chilled out in BeansTalk, and Amanda Smith came and joined me. It was so nice--a very chill time to just be, relax and doodle in the thick book and not worry about things for awhile."

"What's more important? The absolute deity of Jesus? Or the way people treat each other?
I know my answer. And I don't think it's such a terrible one."

"We played a game--a person would ask any question, and everyone would answer it. It was so awesome, just to be free with answers and life and being outside and not too cold, moon and stars occasionally revealing themselves behind a thin curtain of cloud. It was a really amazing night of connection."

In an education class: "We are now discussing what mermaids sound like. For at least three minutes. I'm not really here, am I?"

"Currently, Lilac and Sean have hypothermia, Naomi is in a coma, Endeath is winning, Gaia's somewhere in Maine, and Carlos is the lone person hanging onto consciousness. Quite fun, in all honesty."

"We are the secrets of the world, we are the pieces of life, we are formed enigmas wrapped in cotton. We are silence and fire and creation and destruction, the closest thing to God seen on earth."

"The other night John and I went up and snuck into Howard's Knob. It was remarkable and it was real, and with the wind so fierce looking over Boone's valley I just felt intense and unstoppable and powerful, human, whole, real. And it doesn't matter what the core of humanity is--what matters is being alive."

"Flying out on a Wednesday offers a much different dynamic than flying out on a weekend. Instead of vacationers, businessmen take up most of the space. Surrounded by them all, with their suits and Blackberries, zooming impatiently in their BMWs and Mercedes, always in a rush, I am so grateful that will never be me."

"I get the impression a lot of them feel sorry for me. It's weird...I want to shout, "Really, I am happy! I am well-adjusted! I have goals and dreams and plans that are going to happen--don't feel bad for me!" Sigh. Just the silly Christian again."

"Wither is done! First draft--about 2 months, one of which was February. Pretty good for me."

Dream: "I nearly got caught by one (booby trap) on the way to the front porch. I asked the girl up there how she got through, and she said, "I had faith in God." My response was basically, "Huh. Yeah, well, I'm gonna go disable these."

"Word of the class--paradox! Whatever it is, it's a paradox. Bonus points because it has an "x" in it."

"I'm voting for Clinton in the primaries. If Obama gets the nomination, I'll vote for him in the general, because if he is the anti-Christ, maybe he can fix the economy."

"Difference between last semester and this semester--last semester, I couldn't get my head above water. This semester, I just don't give a shit."

"You've won, College of Ed! You have officially killed any excitement I had about teaching with pointless discussions of things that don't matter, ignoring the actualities of what a classroom requires. You have aided me losing my drive to do anything worthwhile. You have successfully turned me into another half-assed, effort-free college student that I used to despise. Thank you for helping me understand, through worthless discussion classes, that the goal is not to know your subject area, but just to sound like you know what you're talking about.
While you're reading this, I'm going to go get wasted with my fellow classmates (even though in a past life I would be studying my subject matter) because I don't give a shit anymore.
Love, me."

"Maybe if I get hit by a car they won't make me come back. Maybe an earthquake will strike Boone. Maybe a fire will start that burns down only campus buildings. I should just shoulder it and go on like always, but you know? I'm just not that good. Sorry. I am bitchy and short-term and personal. I can't take the high road about this."

"Yeah. No worries. I'll just slip back into spiritually bankrupt, honors-student experience.
I am tired of these games. How am I supposed to fix myself when everyone around thinks I should stay broken?"

At a private singing session in Ireland: "It's almost like a pause in time. No one was in a hurry to leave, or glancing at their watches every few seconds. People weren't antsy--this was the most important thing in the world. While they were there, nothing mattered except the voices, filling and connecting the space inside. There are two or three women whose voices are so pure, so beautiful, who sing with such heart-wrenching feeling it seems impossible the world outside could still exist."

"God is breaking me. Because I am in a pathetic stage now, a stage of doubt and self importance and organized chaos. I am in selfishness, self-righteousness, pride beyond pride.
And he's breaking me from it."

"So much drama over a freakin' pussy."

"Oh yeah, yesterday we took the kids swimming. I got tackled and stomped in the face. Hooray."

"Dani is not at all afraid to include perfect strangers into our conversations and games. Starbucks--"What if three hot guys want to sit with her?"

"God's voice...is it deep, echoing off the mountains and valleys He created? Would it be high, ethereal and sweeping as the purest soprano, free of vibrato and sounding like clear crystal? Would it make the strongest tremble, or weep?"

"THIS IS YOUR LIFE. This is not a study in human behavior! This is not a series of books or poems! Hike! Breathe! Laugh! Play! God is EVERYWHERE singing! A voice so full of joy and pain and endless, endless love.
You cannot observe that. You cannot meta-cognate that. You are only in it.
You wouldn't think it would be so easy to forget."

"I have to have faith.
I have to believe that God is leading me.
So I will. Even though sometimes I'm scared and thinking things like, after this season I may never go to a football game.
I'm way more scared than I thought I was. But there was a great quote at Convocation: "Almost anything worth doing is scary."
But I wasn't expecting it. It's so real, so soon."

"My recital is terrifyingly soon. Stop. Breathe.
(Um, prior to breathing let's learn your music.)"

"I really, really suck at this game, by the way. And everything is foggier while extremely sleep deprived. Part of me is saying no. Part of me is saying if you don't break it you'll be like this forever."

"You'd think we'd bring out the worst in each other, but it's like two negatives make a positive. As long as we're good for each other, I guess I'll leave it alone."

"Have I mentioned this is fun? Because this is a lot of fun, this whole dating-someone thing. I almost forgot it was worth it."

"'Cause this is THRILLER!"

"I am a junkie.
Success is my heroin. A little taste of it--the attention, the acclaim, the pride--and I'm looking at potential relapse.
But what do you do when your smack is something you want to work for? How do you survive when the only way your soul can live is to fail?"

Quote from John: "Why do I feel like at the end of next semester we're going to be eating ice cream and watching sad movies together?"

"I need school to be over. Really. It will suck to be away from here a little bit, but it won't be snowing. And I won't be sitting through bullshit classes anymore."

"More, I think this is part of the peeling, part of the me to become more who I am. I feel like another artificial piece has been taken off, getting me a little more to the center."

(BTW, I'm tagging Connie in this because even though she wasn't mentioned by name, she played a HUGE role in my thinking and loving in 2008, and she's one of the two people I am unspeakably grateful to have grown closer to.)

That says much more about what I thought through the year than what I did. I did a lot--went to Ireland, New York twice, preformed the Concerto, had my recital, started dating someone for the first time in three years. (Actually, started for the first time in seven years.) I got close to HannaH again, in spurts. I went Geocaching and saw Danielle Hall and played the waltz at my high school. I met people and made enemies, drifted away from people and permanently knit towards others.

I've never been so happy, looking back over becoming.