Maybe I should contemplate.

Yesterday was my last official day of student teaching.

(I'm still here, of course, because the concert is Tuesday, but I don't have to be here anymore. And that makes all the difference.)

It seems like the official end of my undergraduate education should have some level of contemplation attached, but I'm not feeling terribly pensive. I graduate Sunday, but I really don't care all that much. Everyone's acting like it's such a big deal that I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude, but I feel stupid for it because I slacked a lot sometimes and easily could have been Summa Cum Laude. Everyone acts like this is a major accomplishment, but it isn't, because I've been slated to graduate from college since I was six.

It's not any great accomplishment. It's just a stepping stone, a hoop I had to jump through before I could have any real impact on the world. It's not worth recognizing. It was a completely selfish endeavor--I was too preoccupied with the things I had to do to do anything worthwhile.

The reason I graduated can be basically broken down into things that have nothing whatsoever to do with anything I've done.

1) I'm white, and an American citizen.

2) I have been given immense cultural capital by my family, enabling me to navigate the world and find funds, even when we didn't have any.

3) I have an above-average brain, meaning I can understand and accomplish things without a lot of work.

4) I have been given endless love and support.

5) "Coincidences" in my life, bringing me close to Shirley and trumpet and those around me.

How can we be arrogant? There is nothing in me that is because of me. Everything I am, everything I've done, is because of God. Anything good in me is God's. All the talent, the coincidences, the people who love me...I had as much say in that as I do in tomorrow's weather.

So people congratulate me, and I'm not sure what to say, because none of it's me. Yes, I'm graduating. Yes, I'm glad.

But I'm not proud. I haven't done anything to be proud of.