Ten Easy Steps to Having a Nervous Breakdown

1) The list is posted, the wait is over! Dash to the board and glance at it.

2) Barely read the names—yours isn’t there.

3) Go to the elevator. Go directly to the elevator. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.

4) Beat head against wall of elevator on your way to the fourth floor. Punch wall, swear at your hand for hurting.

5) Walk through the fourth floor lobby. Do your very best to avoid eye contact. In the event of eye contact, a small raise of the eyebrows is a good substitute for a friendly smile, since your face is broken.

6) Find an empty practice room at the far end of the hall. Lock the door, prop the broken piano bench against it.

7) Sink to the ground behind the piano, so no one in the hall can see you from looking in the window.

8) Listen to Sweeney Todd soundtrack. On repeat.

9) Solve Rubik’s Cube. Screw up Rubik’s Cube. Solve Rubik’s Cube. Screw up Rubik’s Cube. Solve Rubik’s Cube. Screw up Rubik’s Cube…

10) Cry. A lot.